So I don't really know how to start my story. I suppose I will start with where my thoughts all began.
When I was 17 living in South Dakota I watched my brother die. It was something that wasn't preventable and the inevitable was going to happen. He was destined to live a short life. That's probably where the suicidal thoughts started but I didn't think much about it or really act on them. This was in 2003. I joined the Marine Corps the following year. My goals were to be a Cop and not a field MP. I wanted the badge and to pursue a career in criminal justice. My Grandpa was a cop and my Dad was a Cop. It was only fitting for me to be one too. That's not exactly what happened. I went to Boot Camp May 2005 and graduated that August. Of course like a dumb boot, I would only get married that same year. I got orders to Camp Lejuene, where all dreams die, and was sent to Iraq March of 2006. Of course my ex wife left me then. So at this point in my life, my best friend (brother) passes away in front of my eyes, my wife leaves me because I am supposedly "cheating" but of course wasn't. She was just a nut job. AND I wasn't being a Cop. So three strikes. I took it in stride. I don't go into what we did in Iraq but I can say that I seen and did more than every regular POG. I am not a grunt and I will never ever compare myself to one. I know that they were the tip of the spear and I supported that with our own missions. Needless to say, things do change men like it or not. I came back and that when the depression started to hit. My brothers death was starting to be blamed on me from my parents and to this day I don't know why they started to blame me. I had no choice in his disease. They used me for money and I went deep into debt. I didn't have a wife any more and some how again, that was blamed on me. I didn't really enjoy what I was doing either.
SO now I have debt and misplaced guilt put on my shoulders. I was young and didn't have any where to turn to. The job was stressful, and there was no happiness in my life. THATS when I started to drink heavily and I mean heavily. My "friends" encouraged my drinking habits and did even bother to listen. As the years grew on I just kept drinking and trying new things to kill the pain. I have always believed that I always did wrong by others so I kept to myself in a deep dark hole. I started to use pills (ecstasy, vicodin, you name it I did it) regularly. Now mind you, at this time in my life I feel like I HAVE THE WORST LIFE IN THE WORLD! All I wanted was death. I became reckless, didn't care about my life, my career or anything. I remember sitting down with myself one night and attempting to eat pills and drink as much as I could. I was determined to let some one find me dead It didn't matter who found me but I wanted the world to know that I was done and that they could finally see my pain. I was having nightmares and I was unable to function at work, but of course being the stubborn selfish asshole I was, I kept it all to myself.
I met my new wife in 2010. I was still in my deep hole and honestly didn't give a shit about her at all. Don't get me wrong I loved her but I felt it would be easier to push her away so she wouldn't have to share my pain. It took a long time for her to understand. She would say things about getting me help, she would push me towards groups, new friends, any one. She tried to help me reconnect with my family who shunned me. Eventually she just pissed me off enough where I finally stood on my own. That was the hardest part. This is when I knew I needed help and I needed support. I know knew I wasn't the only one out there who feels like I do. Before I got out, I went to see a shrink. He pretty laid it on the line saying that I had some depression bullshit. I didn't want to hear it. I hated hearing it. But I accepted it. I had to. The only way away from it was to eat it. So I did. I got rid of old friends and I started to make new ones. Ones that would listen to me day or night. Ones that would not only give me love but kick me in my ass too. I used my wife and kids constantly to help me ease through days that I would have trouble with. I got out in January 2015 and the depression hit again. Being a Marine for 10 years and suddenly having to adjust to civilian life was tough. I hit another depression this year, but fortunately this time I already knew what to do.
When you are told all your life that everything is your fault (brothers death, wrong career choice, going to Iraq, divorces, childrens mental health issues, pretty much everything) its hard not to feel that way. I used to have suicidal thoughts daily. but now its down to once a week or less. I gave up drinking for the most part. I only drink with my wife in my own controlled environment and i enjoy that way better. I have a great job with great benefits. I had to get ahold of myself before i could move further. Yeah it will always stay with you no matter what but you can fight it and be bigger than suicide. There's a lot more personal stuff that happened to me through out this story but I don't like to bring them up because those are demons i defeated. I have had to cope with myself and i had to understand that not everything is my fault. People around you make choices that will effect you. Its your decision on making them positive or not. There is help every where, but to me the biggest help was myself. It took years for me to understand that I AM BIGGER AND BETTER than what anyone has ever said to me or about me.
Life gets better. Life is better. Life is great, but you have to accept it and make it your own greatness. Once you get to there, its all an easy coast and a great ride. I will never say i have it worse then any one else. I will admit that i have depression issues and suicidal thoughts, but to me, its about enjoying the win over those demons every day that counts.